I’ve come to a place in life where I am able to view my perceived “flaws,” without feeling shame, disappointment, or sadness. Before, I would respond defensively and feel like “I’d never be fixed.” These self-talks would often lead to me feeling frustrated and defeated.  It was only when I was able to realize that (1) I am already whole and (2) I don’t need to be fixed, that I was able to be open to the fact that I had some sh*t within me, to deal with.

The things I needed to deal with, wasn’t anything to be ashamed or afraid of. Some of it came as a result of my own decisions and some dated back as far as before childhood. I also came to terms with it being no need to point a finger or place blame for what was or is. If there was “mess” within me, it was my responsibility to get it cleaned up.  And I made the choice that I would clean it up!

So recently when I witnessed myself reacting out of anger to a message I got, I took a step back. I am aware that I am not my emotions, but I am behind the expression of those emotions. And it’s important for me to be mindful of how I react to how I am feeling. When I feel emotions like anger, I like to check in with myself and see if I can get to the root of that emotion.

In this case, my anger was towards my father. And the thing is, what triggered the anger wasn’t about me, at the surface. It was how he was talking to my sibling. But somewhere along the way, I felt triggered and it made me take what was happening personally; as if it was being said to and about me. It really clicked when I noticed I was writing “we” instead of “she or her.”

His comments took me back to a season where I felt rejected and unloved, as a result of not doing things the way my father or mother wanted or expected me to.  As I took time to meditate and journal, I was able to see that though I like to “play” nice … I wasn’t being honest. In fact, I had not been honest in my relationship with my father for many years. I wasn’t cool with my father because I was good with him (aka having no issues to address).  I was cool because I stopped speaking up and instead, decided to accept whatever relationship I could get from him, even if it wasn’t the healthiest.

In my meditation, my (higher) Self told me to take care of myself. I’m so quick to make things better aka fix things. But this time I was able to listen to Self and not do that. Instead, I sent love to my father. I thought of all the amazing qualities he had and how grateful I was for him. Also, how grateful I was to acknowledge that I did not have to be afraid of his rejection.  I got me, always, in all ways!

I took to the mirror and told myself how much I loved me. Reminded myself that I am doing great and how loveable I am. The next morning I felt different. Everything was different. I was easily able to realize my relationships where I was stretching myself beyond what I truly desired. I started to see other relationships and areas where I was acting from fear. I know that addressing the belief of abandonment, in my life, is a strong lesson in my soul’s journey.  However, in this instance, I was able to witness how that soul lesson was showing up in my everyday life.

I’m sharing this on the blog because I want to encourage everyone who reads this to know that healing, self-mastery, and remembrance of self — is a journey. It’s an ongoing journey that is not linear.  There will be times when things from your childhood pop up, and you may try to convince yourself that you should be over it. Or maybe you’ll try to ignore it by convincing yourself that the other person doesn’t care. But know this … healing takes time; allow it process accordingly. Keep in mind that the healing process is for you, not the other person. Whether they care or not is none of your concern.

That night, I saw with clear vision. Not from a place of blame, but a place of love. I understood my father’s hero archetype and how it was acting out towards my sister. But I also got to witness the hurt and pain of my abandoned inner child. In all, I am in a better space. And though it was kind of like woooahhh.  Acknowledging as an adult that you fear that your father will reject you and walk away was lots to take in. BUT, it was also freeing for me. Now that the suppressed energy has reached my conscious, I was able to deal with it.

We don’t know every single thing that needs to be healed. But when you’re ready to heal it, it will present itself to your awareness. When it does… I pray that you have the ability to accept what you’re experiencing and deal with it accordingly. You deserve to be free from the mess, and it’s up to you to choose to clean up the mess as you become aware of it.

This healing and spiritual evolution journey isn’t always a pretty task. But having a loving and accepting mindset will help a whole lot! I don’t have all the answers, in fact, I have very little. But I learn something new and amazing about myself every day.  I’m learning how to better care for myself. And how to build my self-esteem in a way that I honor myself, in all relationships. I want you to know that if you think, “I’d never be fixed,” know that you don’t need fixing.  You are perfect!

The situation with my father may have appeared to be an unfortunate incident, but I am so grateful for it. These “chaotic” situations can be a great opportunity  if we accept it for what it is.

ILY. You are enough where you are, as you are… BELIEVE DAT!

P.s. I talk about this more over on The B.O.L.D. Project podcast.  Check out Episode 15: Choose Happiness; Choose Joy

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