I have come to learn that, for the most part, we all want the same thing; we want to be accepted and loved. We want to belong. We want community. But in order to have those things in an authentic way, we need to learn the importance of honest communication. Be real about how you feel—have the conversation.

As I watch some things around me unfold, due to lack of communication, I felt the need to write a post about the lessons I have learned. I wanted to share why it is important that we be honest about how we feel, in order so that we can move forward with the air cleared. No more guessing if they are over what happened. No more thinking you guys are in a good place when in reality, they have still harbor ill feelings towards you. In the end, no one truly benefits from these situations.

I am a former ticking time bomb, in human form. I was the person who would hold in what I was feeling, as a way of acting like I didn’t care or to keep the peace. At the time, I am sure it sounded like a great idea. Though I wasn’t expressing how I felt and was convincing myself that it was okay, the feelings stayed. Oftentimes, what would happen is… I would ignore them, then all it would take is a little situation to trigger those emotions and I would BLOW UP!!! I would lash out with insults, hurtful words, pain, anger, disgust, rage, and withdrawal. When I think back, there was so much pain in those episodes. However, the receiver of my wrath was often left confused. They often became defensive and felt attacked, wondering how this “little” thing, in the current moment, had anything to do with the past. I was in my late teens back then, so I wasn’t really sure.   The chance of me being equipped to have the conversation was slim. But as I get older and watch these same situations happen in other relationships, I am able to look at myself and analyze where exactly things went left.

It was the CONVERSATION THAT NEVER HAPPENED.

The community I was raised in, it was normal not to talk about your true feelings; everything was always “okay.” And when things weren’t okay, you fought it out, physically or verbally. That is what communication looked like. When it came to parenting, you had boundaries on the type of questions you could ask. There never seemed to be a space to have a “real talk.” When I became a young adult and tried talking to my dad about my feelings, he would say, “that’s the past, let it go.” My mom said, “ You should be apologizing to me.” These types of responses reject the idea of a meaningful conversation and make some relationships hard to move forward with. When I did get an opportunity to talk with my dad, it was out of anger. I was tired of him trying to control me and I explained that he was too late in trying to play “father.” And from there, everything else came out; the hurt, pain, resentment, and fear. It was a situation.

I am thankful it came out, but I wish I had been able to have “the” conversation. A conversation where, as adults, we talked and I was able to explain how I felt and he could share his point of view. A lot of things still haven’t been said. So it comes at no surprise that he’s having a similar situation with one of my siblings, wondering what went wrong in their relationship. Having believed that because they were communicating that everything was okay, but things aren’t okay. And they hadn’t been okay in years. There are too many things left unsaid and the things that have been shared came from a place of anger and pain, and as a result, they were met with defensive and dismissive responses.

When circumstances like this happen, real authentic communication is often blocked and in its place are reactions. Everyone is trying to defend their point of view and themselves, and they’re even willing to tell you that your emotions aren’t valid because everything happened so long ago. Man, I have been there before. And I have watched it happen many times. I have tried to advise people, so they too can avoid such circumstances. Often times, they don’t really understand, until the lash out happens and they’ve reacted. Now, there is a bigger mess to clean up than any of us would have wanted. Nevertheless, I am a believer that everything happens for a reason, so if you can resonate with this… *high five, * many lessons learned I hope {whisper: have the conversation}.

For you, this article is a reminder of how to avoid it in the future. To those who haven’t experienced this, great, advise those around you about the risk when you don’t have the conversation. And to those who are currently in relationships where you know things have been left unsaid, PLEASE have the conversation (rather, consider it).

• Will it be uncomfortable?
• Will it hurt to open up old wounds?
• What if I don’t think they care? This isn’t about them. This is about your mental and spiritual well-being.
• What if they disregard my feelings? Don’t take it personally. Their disregard is a signal on how they feel about the relationship or themselves.
• I’ll stay quiet and just let it play out. That is always a choice.

But know this, when you are holding ill and unspoken feelings or thoughts in a relationship, and acting like everything is okay, the relationship IS NOT AUTHENTIC. PERIOD. Let me make this plain, here are 5 REASONS TO CONSIDER HAVING THE CONVERSATION:

1. A healthy AUTHENTIC relationship can grow. When we are honest with others, our relationships have the ability to grow and prosper in new directions.
2. Create a space that allows honest communication. When you share how you feel, it’s not about attacking them; it’s about a conversation. When you advise someone that what they did or said has triggered your feeling of hurt, anxiety, fear, nervousness, etc. Not only are these interactions healthy for you, they are healthy for creating boundaries and allowing such relationships to grow through love and peace. Not only will you be comfortable opening up about your feelings in the future, but now space is open for the other individual to be open as well. Note: When communicating, be mindful to use “I” statement-feeling terms, but don’t use “you.”
3. Empathy matters. Deal with the unhurt or uncared for pain in all of your relationships, upfront. When such pain goes without being addressed, it’s harder to listen to or care about what others are experiencing. When we feel unheard or uncared for, we stop feeling the need to empathize with others because we feel we don’t get the same in return. In a way, that part of us shuts down. But then when that happens, our relationships don’t have a healthy space to exist in.
4. Resentment Grows and it’s not easy to get past it. If you don’t address resentment, it won’t go away on its own and it can make it impossible for a healthy relationship to survive. Note: Resentment does GROW.
5. If you act like nothing is wrong, they will believe you. Too often we continue on in relationships like nothing is wrong. We have these very surface level conversations and then move on. In reality, we hardly get down to what the actual issue is. For example one may say, “When you left that hurt my feelings.” However, often times we know that the act of abandonment will hurt someone, and therefore though this is helpful, one could elaborate more. So I recommend elaborating on why abandonment, specifically hurts you. For example, “when I was younger my parents abandoned me, so when it happened with you, it triggered that pain. I never want to experience that again. Can you talk to me in the future when our relationship is rocky? I was unaware of your pain. It is with  am sorry you felt leaving was the only way to fix this. Can you help me understand why you felt that was the only way to fix things?”  It doesn’t have to be like that, this is just a way to open up communication in a safe space. It’s very unlikely anyone should feel as if they are being blamed or attacked by using neutral terms, owning your part, and using terms that the other person has already used. Plus, you have opened up communication, you shared what you feel, asked that the other person share their side, and now everything will be out on the table. Will you hold on to the situation? Maybe. But if you do, that’s a YOU issue. You need to figure out why you’re holding on to it and what is it the other person can do for you two to move forward in a healthy direction [together].

P.s. I am praying for a world and community where we can all show empathy and compassion to one another. That is often the result when individuals learn to communicate, without feeling the need of being right or wrong or defensive or aggressive to the speaker’s words.

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