Earlier this month I found myself in a confrontation with a woman who found a comment I made to be snarky, judgmental and disrespectful.  She couldn’t recall what I said, she could only recall how she felt — disrespected.  After listening to what she had to say and the threats that came behind it, I meditated, prayed, and made an entry in my journal.  I was curious to understand how someone could be soooooo angry and not remember why.  I tried to recall what I could have possibly said.  I sincerely wanted to understand.  Mainly because threats, anger, and ego were present when she called herself confronting me.  Not to mention, several times she mentioned JUDGMENTAL.

Though I don’t necessarily agree with how the situation was handled, I found much to be grateful for.  See, in the past, I could be a real hot head. My ego often times got the best of me and I would find myself reacting without thinking.  Reacting out of emotions and anger privilege, similar to what I was witnessing in this situation.

I took time to accept my part in all of this—I understood how my personality and comments could have been a trigger.  We still have no idea what I said exactly.  And I truly believe I did not make a comment towards or in reference to her, but it was obvious that whatever she thought she heard was a trigger.  And since feelings can’t be wrong, but can be based on incorrect information… I decided to swallow my pride, let things go, flow, and allow myself this opportunity to grow!

Though I mention the confrontation, the incident was not as important as the lessons I was able to pull from it.  The encounter brought up some very important questions.  The questions weren’t just important for everyday living, but also for my business.  Like:

•  What does it mean to be judgmental?
•  Is judgment inherently negative?
•  What is the difference between judgment and an opinion?
•  Can we avoid judging others?

First off, there are a several ways people view the term JUDGMENTAL (go figure).  According to vocabulary.com, judgmental is defined as:

A negative word to describe someone who often rushes to judgment without reason.  The adjective judgmental describes someone who forms lots of opinions — usually harsh or critical ones — about lots of people.  Judgmental types are not open-minded or easygoing.

Wooooaaahhh! That definition was very specific… I don’t know if everyday people would define judgmental that specific.  For myself, I see judgmental as someone who is overly critical in a negative way.  But then the next question becomes… what is ‘overly?’

This made me curious and I started to dig a little deeper, and after falling into some rabbit holes, one article, from psychologytoday.com, caught my attention.  I’ve decided to use that article to really get to the bottom of my investigation.

The article is written by Gregg Henriques Ph.D. and titled, On Making Judgments and Being Judgmental. The article starts with the mention of the question: What is the difference between making judgments and being judgmental? Dr. Henriques mentions in this article that he has occasionally experienced his father being overly judgmental (man, I can certainly relate).  I thought it was important that he used the word ‘occasionally’ and ‘overly’, because those words really help the reader understand Dr. Henriques’ perspective regarding his father’s judgments.

Dr. Henriques shares with us that his father’s basic point regarding judgment is that we are constantly viewing others’ through evaluative lenses.  That statement is really what got my wheels spinning and made me want to use this article to question my own beliefs and understanding regarding judgments.

Dr. Henriques find that there are generally two definitions to judgmental in the dictionary: the first has to do with making judgments, and the other has to do with being overly critical in an unhelpful way.  He goes on to add that it is when we make judgments in ways that have harmful or negative consequences that we are being judgmental in ways that are best to avoid.

See here is the thing, it seems that what is considered judgmental can become subjective.  Even if we take the viewpoint that judgmental is when we are overly critical in an unhelpful way, we walk into more issues… (1) when do we decide that judgments have reached “overly” and (2) what is considered unhelpful when it relates to statements or critiques?

When I put judgmental in google, it stated that it was an adjective meaning (1) of or concerning the use of judgment and (2) having or displaying an excessively critical point of view.  Again, we walk into another definition that requires further questioning — what is “excessively critical?”

Instead of continuing to spend time digesting words and phrases, I decided I was ready to delve in and review some of my own initial questions.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE JUDGMENTAL?

I decided to adopt some of what Dr. Henriques’ mentioned in his post, to help me develop a definition for judgmental.

One is judgmental when he or she is overly and uselessly critical in ways that are harmful or have negative consequences.  To me, harmful is if you are doing it without the intention of assisting to develop corrective measures, or doing so with the intention to harm and not to uplift.  It is when you are aware of someone’s sensitivity, yet you share your viewpoint without consideration of it, because that is likely to have negative consequences.

It is clear, intent and mind-set, in my opinion, plays a HUGE part in what is considered to be judgmental.

HOWEVER, one of the issues with my point of view is that we really can’t control how someone responds or perceives our comments or critiques.  For example, if someone responds negative to what a person says about him or her or their actions, the delivery of the comment could have been a trigger or it could be that the truth hurts (let’s be honest).

Therefore it would be extremely important for the one making the comment/judgment to be honest with him or herself about their intentions.  Also, I think it would be great if we all (MYSELF included) took a moment to think before we speak, and maybe show some compassion (that might help, right?).

But then, another question: WHETHER JUDGMENT IS INHERENTLY NEGATIVE?

Though people are often offended when you say they are judgmental when they make a “not so favorable” judgment, judgment on it’s own is not inherently negative.  You can have either positive or negative judgments towards something or someone.  Google defines judgment as the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions.  This definition makes no difference regarding whether the conclusion is positive or negative, it need only be sensible.  Some synonyms for judgment are: common sense, perception, wisdom, wit, sharpness, reason, or logic.  None of which, standing alone, is negative or positive.  Therefore, judgment in itself is not a bad thing.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN JUDGMENT AND AN OPINION?

An opinion is a view or judgment formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge. Judgment is the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusion.  Therefore, the difference seems to be that there is existence of evidence or careful analysis to support the opinion or decision, making it a judgment.

CAN WE AVOID JUDGING OTHERS?

After all was said and done, many others, and myself have come to the conclusion that we all judge. Not only do we judge others, but we judge circumstances.  As humans (with an EGO) our conscious is always comparing, contrasting, and judging.  I know for sure my peers, friends, and I, are always constantly evaluating people and circumstances… we JUDGE things from moment to moment! And YES, we are judging according to our own realities (seriously, what else do we have).

I believe as a society we judge things for various reasons, and I believe that’s okay.  Honestly, it’s part of being safe and making proper decisions in life.  How else will you know whom to work with? Start a business with? Date? Or become friends with?

We evaluate and judge… but our intent behind those evaluations and judgments is what really determines how to categorize them.  And this seems to be where an issue or conflict arise!

But at least we KNOW!

FINAL WORDS:

I want to conclude by simply saying, we all judge and it is okay.  I use to pride myself on saying I don’t judge, but the reality is… I do!  However, I wouldn’t consider myself judgmental.

So…. With that being said: What is your definition of judgmental? Feel free to share any thoughts and input in the comments.

PLUS….

6 THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND BEFORE YOU MAKE A JUDGEMENT OR CRITIQUE

1. You may not have all the information, and may be making a judgment or critique without imperative information.
2. Take a moment to reflect on whether the action or situation brings up a memory for you.  Ask yourself: does something about this person reflect a current or past part of me; does this situation remind me of anything I experienced or witnessed in my past; or what is it about ME that makes me feel so strongly about the situation at hand.
3. Things are not black and white, or even grey.  They are what they are based on our perspective (which often times is a reflection of our personal values and morals).
4. Remember how it feels to be judged and critiqued.
5. It’s easy to judge from a safe place.  You are not the one going through the situation, so you are not as closely connected as this individual.  Have compassion, and remember that this is not personally happening to you.  You are in a safe space to judge, but maybe not the best place.

AND…..

3 TIPS FOR DEALING WITH PEOPLE YOU PERCIEVE AS JUDGMENTAL

1. Don’t always assume the person’s intent.  Try to calmly ask them what they meant by their statement and allow them the opportunity to explain.

2. If you find yourself confronting the individual, try to focus on the statement (current action) and not the person (ex. You are judgmental).  When we attack the person and fail to address the action, we take the focus off of the actual issue.

3. Try not to wait until the judgments have occurred several times.  To really address something, it is best not to do so out of anger.  When we “blow up,” after a trigger, it becomes difficult to get to the heart of the matter and repair what has been damaged.

Bold Fam! You are doing great. I wish you all love, peace, and abundance!

In righteousness + boldness

xx

Charliie