*singing* It’s just emotions taking me over…

As I thought of what to write, those exact words came to me; it’s just emotions taking me over. The power of emotions is displayed every day of our lives. Too often we allow ourselves to be caught up in our feelings, distracting us from things that could truly use our attention.  

On Monday, a group of us started a 31-day self-exploration journey through The B.O.L.D. Project journal. If you follow me, you know that I love journaling. However, I am more of a free writer than someone who uses journal prompts. I have to say though, I am absolutely enjoying this journey. It’s so cool to have a question or statement that prompt you into thought and then allowing your thoughts to flow onto the paper.  

Wednesday, while I was journaling and completing the prompt, I was guided to recall the day I learned the power of emotions. I was about 14 years old and as I watched everyone in my house reacting to a statement my mother made, I realized that emotions could be used to control people; people weren’t always in control of their emotions. As I wrote, I thought about how I learned to play on people’s emotions and how, too often, we allow others to trigger something in us to get a reaction. Prior to this, I had never even thought about when I had realized I could manipulate people using emotions.  

I remember in my past relationships my partners would say, “I like seeing you mad.” Now I get it… I get that every time I reacted to those triggers I lost control of myself and it was them who found some pleasure in my pain. By triggering me, they could get me to act angry, hostile, defensive, or petty. I know this all too well because I’ve done it to others, and recognized the numerous times I had the space to do it. Now that I am older, I take responsibility for my actions and mindfully acknowledge when something is likely to trigger a negative response from another person. Though I can see and acknowledge this ability within myself and externally, I realize that not everyone has made it a mindful decision to become responsible for their feelings or triggering someone else’s feelings. But then again, maybe they have and just decided it’s way too much fun playing puppet; I’ve said that before.

Too often I get messages that either ask or say, “what should I do about my partner making me mad?” or “she made me cry.” These statements don’t take into account their own role, but it says someone did something to me, in essence, it’s their fault I feel this.

I am a major observer of people and what I have learned is that often times, the thing we are emotionally responding to isn’t the actual thing you’re mad or angry about. SERIOUSLY. It’s usually just the emotional trigger. So for the individual that says, my partner is making me mad, my question is what exactly are you mad at? Often times it’s how they said what they said or the fact that they actually said it. Or maybe they failed to do something that they said they would do. All of those things have an underlying issue, which you can tap into. Their actions or words were ONLY an emotional trigger for the underlying issue, which resulted in your reaction. Don’t agree? Try it out! See it for yourself.  

Next time you’re angry at something outside of yourself, ask yourself: (1) how do I feel and (2) what am I thinking? Pay attention to those thoughts, they will point you to what the real issue is—what exactly was triggered. When I first tried this… I would make excuses and try to justify my emotions. So obsessed with being angry and annoyed, I didn’t want to accept that I was playing a part in it. I would continue to say that it was that person’s fault because of what they said or did. Emotions are inevitable, but the suffering was a choice. I was allowing those emotions to fester and blaming external things. Eventually, I learned about the ego and how to manage the ego through mindfulness and being present. It was through mindful living that I realized it was often times my insecurity, general beliefs, or limiting beliefs that were really the underlying issue. Their actions or words were only an emotional trigger to cut open the wound.  

As I became aware of this, I also became aware that when I am able to tap into those underlying issues, there might also be a need for some healing. There have been pains from my past that I realized were showing up in different ways; they needed to be healed and I wanted to heal them.  

Then, there were also moments where I needed to check my own beliefs and see how factual they were. Was I unconsciously applying my standards and expectations to other people? This goes back to checking in on your thoughts. How many times have our expectations, that was never communicated, caused friction in our relationship or encounters? Yea yea yea… they should have known! We know. *eye roll*

I say all of that to say… You get to choose your emotions. I know that it may seem easier to blame others and make them solely responsible, but they aren’t the one to blame. I am not saying that we have to excuse people behavior, I am simply saying we need to keep our power despite what others choose to do. You give people permission to have power over you. EVERYTIME someone triggers you and you react with anger, fear, anxiety, etc., they now have the power.  

You can witness this everyday life. When you see an argument… watch the argument, not for who is right or wrong– because that doesn’t matter, but check the emotions in play. Listen to what is being said because that may tell you what the underlying issue is. This is most evident in relationships.   Have you ever witnessed one partner do or say something to their partner and then sit back and smile or act lost while the other is angry? They are aware of the power they have, even if it’s only subconsciously (their ego knows). Emotions can take you over. Cause you to give your power to a situation, person, or thing. Allowing someone control or responsibility for your EMOTIONS is powerful to them, but can be HARMFUL to and for you.

So here it is… I mentioned the problem, kind of gave a solution, but I will make it plain. Keep your POWER:  

1. PRACTICE MINDFULNESS: consider adopting the practice of living a mindful life so that you aren’t just reacting, but taking time to respond. Check out this article about mindfulness.
2. DON’T REACT RIGHT AWAY: When you react right away, you are reacting to emotional triggers and this can lead to a mess. When you feel yourself getting angry or any other negative emotion, take a deep breath. That deep breath will give you the space needed to stabilize the overwhelming impulse. It is best to respond once those impulses have calmed.
3. THIS IS TEMPORARY: Let’s be honest, too often we get angry about things that won’t matter the next day. Will this even matter tomorrow? I don’t know. But remind yourself this is all temporary. This too will pass.
4. SEE PAST THIS MOMENT: We get so caught up in the right here and right now, where there are other things in play that we don’t even understand. Even if you don’t understand or see the bigger picture, trust that there is one. Trust that this moment is necessary for the bigger picture and don’t take it personally. I always remind myself that life is happening for me and that every step matters. There is an ultimate purpose. God is on your side. Don’t let your choice to choose anger, take you to a next moment that you’ll regret.
5. FORGIVE: Whatever the emotional trigger was (family, children, best friend, co-workers etc.) forgive it. When you forgive, you are able to detach from it. One of the biggest things for me is reminding myself not to take things personally. I see the oneness in this world and so I acknowledge that I am a reflection of everyone and it has helped me be more compassionate. I also remind myself, “they know not what they do.” As you forgive, you’ll find yourself being able to detach from the emotions the trigger created — it’s not personal. YOU ARE LOVE. Walk in LOVE.
6. CHOOSE: You can choose not to respond through intense emotions, but with well thought out words. You can say to someone, “what you said hurt my feelings.” The trigger was what they said and the result is that you feel hurt. This opens a space for a dialogue… a respectful and calm one. You can experience emotions without lashing out.
7. FEEL: If you are hurting or angry… admit it. Own your feelings, don’t let it own you. Even if it is an emotion that some view as weak, you don’t need to label it as good or bad, just acknowledge how you feel, process it, and move on.

What are your thoughts? How have you been handling your emotions lately? Please share below.

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