Date Yourself: #Committed

It’s up to us, individually, to decide whether it is important to know ourselves and how deep we want to go on the journey. The journey requires courage, patience, commitment, and a willingness to lay back the layers bit by bit.

Prior to joining the military, I was in a 3-year relationship, which, at one point, I lived with my partner. The relationship was unhealthy; I definitely take responsibility for my part in it.

I’m a believer that whatever is going on internally, will eventually show up in your external experiences… and I was definitely a poster child for this belief. Whether it was my rudeness, insecurities, control issues, or my inability to be fully committed; what was happening inside of me, showed it’s ugly head.

See, at the time, I wasn’t aware of the importance of self-love and self- awareness (also called self-knowledge). I failed to realize that being in a relationship from the ages of 14 to 21, kept me from dedicating the proper time and attention to getting to know myself. During those years, I spent a significant amount of time with my partners and very little time alone. There was no “me” or “I,” there was always a “we,” and so, I didn’t even think about the fact that I needed time to myself. And I certainly did not think I needed to be intentional about getting to know myself.

But while in these relationships and as unhealthy as they were, I failed to realize that I was carrying around a lot of old and toxic baggage from my past.When I joined the military, I saw it as an opportunity to start over, no one knew me, and I had an opportunity to reinvent myself.  I had no idea what that meant, but I knew that getting out of New York meant I was getting away from my past. While I was going through an early onset of depression, a chaplain came by the medical group. When he was done with his meeting, I ran outside to speak to him. After sharing a couple of my truths with him, and clearly appearing uncomfortable, sad, and empty, he said to me, “people have always treated you like shit.”  STRIAGHT LIKE THAT.

Hearing those worlds hit me. It was the truth. My mom abandoned me, her family barely wanted anything to do with me, and my father seemed to just exist– I felt isolated. I felt abandoned. I felt unwanted. I felt uncared for. And no matter how much my partners said they loved me, something in me wouldn’t accept that, and I eventually thought, maybe, it’s because I don’t love myself.

Let’s be clear— I had no idea how to love myself. I wasn’t sure what that was supposed to look like. I wasn’t sure how it would feel. I don’t recall anyone around me that appeared to be practicing self-love and so, I was completely lost. But I was committed to at least healing from my past. I was committed to letting go of the baggage of my past; the past that was the result of my parents’ decisions. I started there…because that’s where all the hurt and pain started. And so, I committed! I committed to healing. I committed to no longer being angry. I committed to forgiveness. I committed to freeing myself.

I knew that until I dealt with whatever was happening inside of me, no relationship I entered into would have a chance. I honestly had nothing to give. And I was even attracting people in my life who were not good for me and I wasn’t good for them; cycles were continuing.

HOWEVER—now… I am here… today… with you. If this was five years ago and you mentioned anything of my past to me, you could see the shame on my face—I was embarrassed. Because, once I took a step back and reviewed my life, I had to deal with the fact that I was hurt, discouraged, sad, disconnected, angry, scared, abandoned, violated, unloved, and those feelings, coupled with other things, resulted in the emptiness I felt and the nonchalant attitude I projected. I was a mess, a beautiful mess, but nonetheless, A MESS.

So… therapy session by therapy session, journal entry by journal entry, prayer by prayer—I let it all out. I was honest, even about the embarrassing things. I sat in discomfort many times; all because I knew I had to let it out. Slowly, I started to feel freer. I stop being discreet about my past. I stopped being discreet about my poor choices. And I started to feel more comfortable in who I was; my past no longer felt like my burden.

It has been at least 7 years since this journey started and it hasn’t become easier, it’s just become more necessary. I witness the change in myself daily, and it has been beautiful. I AM COMMITTED TO MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD. && I AM COMMITTED TO MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MYSELF.

Can I tell you…

I haven’t been in a serious relationship since I was 21 years old. Yes, I’ve dated and labeled things, but in my heart, I knew it was just time fillers. And since then, I have learned the IMPORTANCE of dating myself. I have learned how NECESSARY it is to date myself. Because, now, I know what triggers me; I know what I value; I am clearer about my intentions; I no longer hurt people just because I can; I no longer hold in my feelings, but take the time to share them in hopes of healing or letting go. Don’t get me wrong, the journey of dating yourself can be super uncomfortable, but it’s so necessary. Time with yourself plays such a big part in your self-knowledge. It plays such a major role in you owning and protecting your personal power. Establishing your self-knowledge is YOUR FOUNDATION. Are you willing to develop a sturdy FOUNDATION?

I don’t know where you are in your life, but if you’re single, I encourage you to take this time and truly date yourself (aka bring self-awareness). Learn about what you enjoy; what your needs are; what do you care about; what makes you tick; when do you feel most comfortable; what keeps you grounded; What is your outlet; what has hurt you the most; how do you heal; how do you feel in each circumstance or moment. These are questions and intentions you can become mindful of and build a conscious awareness for.

I want to encourage you to take the time to dig deep and start pulling the layers back. This can bring about many benefits (here are 5):

1. You will be with yourself 24/7. You are the only guaranteed consistent thing in your LIFE. Period. You can learn to enjoy yourself by having self-knowledge and practicing self-awareness.
2. Be able to bring awareness to your moods, reactions and responses to what is happening around you.
3. Increases the likelihood of creating the results you desire.
4. Self-knowledge moves you to a place of self-acceptance and increased self-worth – acknowledging that we all have weaknesses and imperfections and that we can be totally ‘cool’ with it. Or— we can make a decision to change!
5. You gain a deeper understanding of what makes you tick, how you relate to the world, what you truly value, your strengths, weaknesses and your triggers or hot spots.

BOOM!

Would you love some support to build a more loving relationship with yourself? In my 1:1 coaching program you will work closely with me and receive practical and personalized guidance.

Read more about my coaching options, or fill out a contact me form to book a free consultation.

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