“YES, I’M HAPPY,”  RESPONSE?

For as long as I’ve known my father, he has never asked me if I was happy. Until one-day HE DID! And he asked me more than once, as if he didn’t believe me when I said yes the first time.

I guess I couldn’t hide it anymore. But I continued on for months, trying to convince myself that I was happy because I thought I had to be. Eventually, I couldn’t hide it anymore, I wasn’t happy. My peace was starting to suffer and I was starting to withdraw.

I wanted to be happy in my circumstances. I wanted to be happy because everyone else seemed to be happy for me. Reality was, I was raised in NYCHA by an awesome foster mom and eventually reunited with a mother, who put my siblings and I in danger, more times than I could count. With this in mind, I kept telling myself that I should be happy. I should be grateful that things are not what they were. How dare I not be happy? And If I wasn’t happy, did that mean I wasn’t grateful?

These thoughts and questions kept me from acknowledging that I wasn’t happy. I guilted myself into always responding that I was happy, because I had convinced myself that I MUST be happy. I had done things people told me I never would. I felt as if people would love to have accomplished and experienced the things I’ve had the opportunity to experience; yet here I was, feeling like it wasn’t enough. Here I was –WANTING more.

I guilted myself into the idea of happiness. But I wasn’t happy. It’s as if I believed I didn’t deserved more than I had since I had already received more than I was told I should. Today, I don’t believe I deserve what I have. But the amazing thing is, I don’t have to deserve any of this to be blessed with it. My life has never been about me. At a very young age I acknowledged feeling as if my life wasn’t mine. I acknowledged feeling as if my experiences were meant to benefit someone else.

So in processing my true feelings of unhappiness, I stopped myself from feeling the need to judge how I felt and allowed myself to bring awareness to my feelings, desires, and ambitions. By passing judgment on my unhappiness, I started mitigating and crushing my potential. This was leading me to feel stuck and unable to envision what was next. You can want more, and not feel guilty. You can want more, and have gratitude for the NOW! When you want more and feel guilty for wanting more, this can cause you to be in an empty place. This empty place can keep you stuck— I WAS THERE!

It may have taken me a little while to accept that I wasn’t happy and end the guilt trip—but I eventually was able to do it. If you are in this place, where you are grateful, but you want more (and may feel guilty about it)—here are 4 thoughts I’d like to share with you:

1. Acknowledge your feelings. Acknowledge what you truly do feel and ask yourself why. In order to move forward, it is important for you to understand and acknowledge where you are. Understanding why you are unhappy, anxious, disappointed, or frustrated, will help you figure out what to do next.
2. Practice gratitude. I encourage you to make your current circumstances amazing, because at any moment they can change. It’s important to enjoy “the NOW.” Practicing gratitude helps you stay focused on the things that help bring joy to you. Plus, practicing gratitude has a ton of benefits that positively impact every area of your life (emotional, social, career, health, and personality etc.)

You can do this by:

                  —Keep a gratitude journal (I write 1 gratitude per day)

           –Make your own gratitude jar (I’ve actually done this)

           –Daily- Think of 3 things you are grateful for.

           –Balancing your complaints

           –Disrupt a stressful moment with a smile.

3. Give yourself permission to make new decisions. Give yourself permission to move on when things don’t serve you. Life is a process of becoming; it requires that decisions and changes be made along the way. We enter relationships, jobs, and other situations and sometimes we eventually outgrow them or find that they’re actually not a good fit for us. If you find yourself in a place where you’re not comfortable in a decision you made, give yourself permission to make a new decision and allow yourself to be okay with the change.
4. Give yourself permission to be ambitious. Do not shy away from being ambitious. You have something to contribute to the world and you don’t have to apologize for that. Despite the image the world often portrays of successful women, being ambitious does not make you selfish and does not require you to neglect everything else around you. So much personal growth and development comes from being ambitious.

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